my self-evaluations.

There are moments - like right now, when I understand myself and feel that I can be honest.
And I just want to track my thoughts. Commit to them.
And maybe figure out my bad patterns, somehow.

I forgot when was the last time I went to sleep.
I don't fall asleep. I pass out.
I either drink myself to sleep, watch movies, read, think or exhoust myself in some other way.

I remember the times when I enjoyed it. To be able to lay down and appreciate it.

I remember the first time I felt numb. The first time I was FINE. I picture myself standing on the kitchen popping something into my mouth casually, telling my mom and my relatives how my father nearly choked me, while drinking himself mad. I went there to pick up the books and he felt betrayed that I wouldn't stay with him.
A conflict? Sure. I felt bad that betrayed him. And I hated him. I didn't know how to deal with the situation. What is the right thing to feel. So might just avoid it all together. And so I was, showing the blue marks on my neck to my relatives, while those nearly fall of the chairs. Oh, no - I'm fine don't worry. I understand everything, auntie! And btw, this lipstick looks great on you. Yep - gotta go study, two days before the finals.

There are a lot of fucked up things that happen to us. But it's not that that screws us over - it's how we deal with it.
Sure I could have blamed my problems and cling onto the things that happened to me. But I want to change. I don't want to live unhappy.

There are slight attempts of me trying to be a normal person. Like, again, going to bed. I'd make a bed, eat a fat-free yogurt before bed, take a bath before, make it smell nice. Lay down. ......... Sleep. Sleep. Sleep. I tell myself. Then realize that I am concentrating so hard that my face looks like that of some guy from china-town trying to perform seppuku with a chop-stick. Oh no, I think. I'll have wrinkles! NEED TO RELAX. Relax. Relax. Relax. ...... This will be happening for a while, until I say fuck it all - wrinkles, health, samurais, sleep. And I open my lap-top and get to my movies.

Sometimes I forget how to breathe. Literally. Suddenly, I would be thinking about something, while cooking and would feel the need to sit down, or feeling the kitchen starting to spin. And realize that I wasn't breathing. There are times when I was with my ex, we'd be laying. I'd be pretending to be falling asleep, going deep into my thoughts, as he would say: Julia, why did you stop breathing? Ah?! What?! You are awake?! - I'll say. Did you have a bad dream?! Oh. You didn't sleep yet.. I see.. I must have dozed off... While being proud that I didn't spill out of my mouth: AH?! WHAT?! WHO IS HERE?!

alright, I bored now. So off to my movies... which I am yet to talk about soon...