...and perfectly happy alone...
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
Shrink Sessions Benefits
After I said that I don't understand why he keeps asking me stupid questions, he paused and said that I will probably help him to become a better psychiatrist.
I have learned that there is a way to have a positive outlook at everything. Even me.
I have learned that there is a way to have a positive outlook at everything. Even me.
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
Monday, July 28, 2008
Friendship
"You're either with us, or against us."
I am being critisized a lot for this type of thinking. But I can't help it.
I either trust you. Or I don't.
First I do.
And then... most of the times I don't.
Quote:
"Grown-ups like numbers. When you tell them about a new friend, they never ask questions about what really matters. They never ask: "What does his voice sound like?" "What games does he like best?" "Does he collect butterflies?". They ask: "How old is he?" "How many brothers does he have?" "How much does he weigh?" "How much money does his father make?" Only then do they think they know him."
I still think this way. Maybe that's why I have so few friends?
Oh - and the process of growing up has nothing to do with me hearing that I need to, a 1000 times.
I should just summarize all this nonesense with a stroke of a genius:
"Fool me once, shame on — shame on you. Fool me — you can't get fooled again."
PS:
I would really succeed as Bush's speechwriter - naturally.
I am being critisized a lot for this type of thinking. But I can't help it.
I either trust you. Or I don't.
First I do.
And then... most of the times I don't.
Quote:
"Grown-ups like numbers. When you tell them about a new friend, they never ask questions about what really matters. They never ask: "What does his voice sound like?" "What games does he like best?" "Does he collect butterflies?". They ask: "How old is he?" "How many brothers does he have?" "How much does he weigh?" "How much money does his father make?" Only then do they think they know him."
I still think this way. Maybe that's why I have so few friends?
Oh - and the process of growing up has nothing to do with me hearing that I need to, a 1000 times.
I should just summarize all this nonesense with a stroke of a genius:
"Fool me once, shame on — shame on you. Fool me — you can't get fooled again."
PS:
I would really succeed as Bush's speechwriter - naturally.
Friday, July 25, 2008
Music
I don't believe in stereotypes. But I belive that the music defines you. Walks you through the day.
There is music that makes me depressed. There is music that makes me strong. There is music that makes me happy.
'nuff with the emo stuff.
Make love, not war. - is what I am trying to say. ...and of course, there is music for that as well.
Great album. I bet emos wouldn't "get" it.
Thursday, July 24, 2008
Heros
There are a lot of them.
They just don't act in everyone-look-at-me-and-fight-each-other-to-kiss-my-toenails way.
They just don't act in everyone-look-at-me-and-fight-each-other-to-kiss-my-toenails way.
Spirit
One of the things I've always been hypnotized with is this American Spirit.
It's this ability to stand up and say: "No, this is bull shit!". It's this unwillingness to put up with cr@p. This believe in doing things just because they are right.
America is a strong, loud, and giving country. Or at least that's what its people make it to be.
I can't think of any other place where people chase dreams so counciously.
So then, what are these changes in me then? Am I just out of breath?
Am I wrong? Am I right?
Should I remain?
Should I forget?
Am I just sick?
It's this ability to stand up and say: "No, this is bull shit!". It's this unwillingness to put up with cr@p. This believe in doing things just because they are right.
America is a strong, loud, and giving country. Or at least that's what its people make it to be.
I can't think of any other place where people chase dreams so counciously.
So then, what are these changes in me then? Am I just out of breath?
Am I wrong? Am I right?
Should I remain?
Should I forget?
Am I just sick?
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
Tuesday, July 22, 2008
A poem
Late night. My room. Street sounds outside.
Some pictures. Music. Books and Movies.
I need a hand.
An extra hand to fucking chocke myself... so that I don't attempt to write poetry anymore.
=)
Some pictures. Music. Books and Movies.
I need a hand.
An extra hand to fucking chocke myself... so that I don't attempt to write poetry anymore.
=)
Journey?
If all the issues beginning from your childhood were brought to the surface and you had to live through them, all at once - how would you feel?
It's like a dark corridor journey.
to nowhere.
It's like a dark corridor journey.
to nowhere.
God,
Send me an angel.
ASAP.
-j
Monday, July 21, 2008
Talent
I am not really good at anything. But it doesn't matter because the skill - is something I will get. But passion - is something that you will always lack.
American Filmmaking
No wonder Americans have this "dumb" reputation overseas.
Detailed example:
A great insightful film by "Dialogue Heavy Pictures" (funny - it's like already a red flag for distributors) DISFIGURED.
http://www.disfiguredmovie.com/
So there is this foreign distributor and let's say he has 100 films to choose from to sell overseas. Which one would he toss out without putting into his DVD player? The one that shows two people talking to each other, non-stop? or the one where somebody scraped his wife's brains off the wall or something...
So all we, overseas, get to see are the stupid action movies, while there are a whole bunch of great stuff happening over here, that nobody knows about.
And once again, I understand why "underground" is being called underground.
It sucks.
**
What IS interesting though. Is that here, in the US you CAN find dialogue-heavy foreign films. So they do have an audience.
Then, why that audience wouldn't pick up the American-made film? Because they automatically assume that foreing would be better. I mean c'mon there is a whole "foreing" section for movies. The people who are looking for insightful films go straight there, for the most part.
That's just wrong.
But understandable. The little indie-film would so get lost among all the other monsters on the shelf.
Detailed example:
A great insightful film by "Dialogue Heavy Pictures" (funny - it's like already a red flag for distributors) DISFIGURED.
http://www.disfiguredmovie.com/
So there is this foreign distributor and let's say he has 100 films to choose from to sell overseas. Which one would he toss out without putting into his DVD player? The one that shows two people talking to each other, non-stop? or the one where somebody scraped his wife's brains off the wall or something...
So all we, overseas, get to see are the stupid action movies, while there are a whole bunch of great stuff happening over here, that nobody knows about.
And once again, I understand why "underground" is being called underground.
It sucks.
**
What IS interesting though. Is that here, in the US you CAN find dialogue-heavy foreign films. So they do have an audience.
Then, why that audience wouldn't pick up the American-made film? Because they automatically assume that foreing would be better. I mean c'mon there is a whole "foreing" section for movies. The people who are looking for insightful films go straight there, for the most part.
That's just wrong.
But understandable. The little indie-film would so get lost among all the other monsters on the shelf.
Oh Lord
I went to church. Whoa-that was a once in a life-time experience. Literally.
I was sitting there and thinking about how would I start jumping over the benches towards the exit, once they said it was over.
I was sitting there and thinking about how would I start jumping over the benches towards the exit, once they said it was over.
Sunday, July 20, 2008
The Beauty
King-Kong have died for love. And in the end all what's left is that people have said: "Poor monkey".
Friday, July 18, 2008
Soulmates
I think I really believe in soulmates. And I think I believe that people's nature - is to be in pairs.
No matter what gender. Or even the nature of the relationship.
It could be friend, parent, relative, lover, spouse - whoever.
The newspapers made me think of this. The Yellow Press about Bradd Pitt and Jolie.
I mean look at them!
Now that they are together he is not so akward, and she is not as weird anymore.
right!?
No matter what gender. Or even the nature of the relationship.
It could be friend, parent, relative, lover, spouse - whoever.
The newspapers made me think of this. The Yellow Press about Bradd Pitt and Jolie.
I mean look at them!
Now that they are together he is not so akward, and she is not as weird anymore.
right!?
Thursday, July 17, 2008
Broken Speakers
I am sorry I can't be strong. I am sorry I couldn't.
But I just wish anyone knew exacetly how much strenght it took me.
But I just wish anyone knew exacetly how much strenght it took me.
Communications
I wonder what it would be like if people didn't use patterns for relationships. None.
If they didn't even have to say things like "thank you" and "please" "good buy" when the don't really mean it.
And only communicated not with just limited words - as everyone does. But all terms of communication would be acceptable, and believable.
That would be a total mess... I know. :)
But then, soulmates could find each other much easier. Because only they could like really, I mean like totally understand and talk to each other.
If they didn't even have to say things like "thank you" and "please" "good buy" when the don't really mean it.
And only communicated not with just limited words - as everyone does. But all terms of communication would be acceptable, and believable.
That would be a total mess... I know. :)
But then, soulmates could find each other much easier. Because only they could like really, I mean like totally understand and talk to each other.
ONCE
There is this great soundtrack to this great film; ONCE.
I loved it. Well, it's the musical. With no false notes.
There is not a drop of pride left in me.
You win.
But let's just face it - if we leave all the bull shit out. WHAT are we left with?
There is certain profoundness in music. Even when we dont want to hear the answer.
The only pride I get to keep is the pride of standing on my own for as long as I did.
I loved it. Well, it's the musical. With no false notes.
There is not a drop of pride left in me.
You win.
But let's just face it - if we leave all the bull shit out. WHAT are we left with?
There is certain profoundness in music. Even when we dont want to hear the answer.
The only pride I get to keep is the pride of standing on my own for as long as I did.
Tuesday, July 15, 2008
I should just go back to WI
THE DRUNKEST CITIES IN THE U.S.
These metros consume more than their fair share of alcohol—if Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) data on drinking habits are any indication. We also factored in the U.S. Department of Transportation's numbers on fatal car crashes, CDC data on alcohol-related liver disease deaths, and FBI reports on DUI arrests in each city.
1. Milwaukee, Wisconsin: They don't call it Brew City for nothing. This longtime home of the Miller Brewing Company has more regular and binge drinkers per capita than any other U.S. metro, according to the CDC. In addition, an estimated 7.5 percent of Milwaukeeans are "heavy drinkers" (men who consume more than two alcoholic beverages a day and women who consume more than one).
2. Minneapolis-St. Paul, Minnesota: In the City of Lakes, alcohol apparently flows almost as freely as the water. Minneapolis's binge-drinking rates are second only to Milwaukee's, it ranks third for heavy drinking, and the area's alcoholism rates are the fourth highest in the nation.
3. Columbus, Ohio: Given its reputation as a hard-partying college town, the sobering truth may come as no surprise: Columbus ranks second for heavy drinking, fifth for binge drinking, and sixth for alcoholism. Sadly, despite several new laws designed to crack down on drunk driving, the city's levels of alcohol-related accidents have remained high.
..before I move back to Russia =)
GO MIDWEST, GO!
These metros consume more than their fair share of alcohol—if Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) data on drinking habits are any indication. We also factored in the U.S. Department of Transportation's numbers on fatal car crashes, CDC data on alcohol-related liver disease deaths, and FBI reports on DUI arrests in each city.
1. Milwaukee, Wisconsin: They don't call it Brew City for nothing. This longtime home of the Miller Brewing Company has more regular and binge drinkers per capita than any other U.S. metro, according to the CDC. In addition, an estimated 7.5 percent of Milwaukeeans are "heavy drinkers" (men who consume more than two alcoholic beverages a day and women who consume more than one).
2. Minneapolis-St. Paul, Minnesota: In the City of Lakes, alcohol apparently flows almost as freely as the water. Minneapolis's binge-drinking rates are second only to Milwaukee's, it ranks third for heavy drinking, and the area's alcoholism rates are the fourth highest in the nation.
3. Columbus, Ohio: Given its reputation as a hard-partying college town, the sobering truth may come as no surprise: Columbus ranks second for heavy drinking, fifth for binge drinking, and sixth for alcoholism. Sadly, despite several new laws designed to crack down on drunk driving, the city's levels of alcohol-related accidents have remained high.
..before I move back to Russia =)
GO MIDWEST, GO!
Sunday, July 13, 2008
Two Of Us
On our way home
getting nowhere.
Just had the best weekend since I moved to NY. Just came home. Just got on-line and listening to the music.
That's all.
AlarmClock
you make me very sad. Sad and disappointed. Only YOU can make me feel like that.
And that's not cool.
Not at all.
Wikipedia:
The Kübler-Ross model describes, in five discrete stages, the process by which people deal with grief and tragedy.
The stages are:
Denial:
Example - "I feel fine."; "This can't be happening."
Anger:
Example - "Why me? It's not fair!" "NO! NO! How can you accept this!"
Bargaining:
Example - "Just let me live to see my children graduate."; "I'll do anything, can't you stretch it out? A few more years."
Depression:
Example - "I'm so sad, why bother with anything?"; "I'm going to die . . . What's the point?"
Acceptance:
Example - "It's going to be OK."; "I can't fight it, I may as well prepare for it."
Take a guess what stage I am at. And that makes me even more sad than you do.
And that's not cool.
Not at all.
Wikipedia:
The Kübler-Ross model describes, in five discrete stages, the process by which people deal with grief and tragedy.
The stages are:
Denial:
Example - "I feel fine."; "This can't be happening."
Anger:
Example - "Why me? It's not fair!" "NO! NO! How can you accept this!"
Bargaining:
Example - "Just let me live to see my children graduate."; "I'll do anything, can't you stretch it out? A few more years."
Depression:
Example - "I'm so sad, why bother with anything?"; "I'm going to die . . . What's the point?"
Acceptance:
Example - "It's going to be OK."; "I can't fight it, I may as well prepare for it."
Take a guess what stage I am at. And that makes me even more sad than you do.
Friday, July 11, 2008
Rain
I want the rain. I want to sit down by myself, watching nowhere, and feel the warm steady shower over me.
Because the rain comes and washes everything away.
I do not regret, and I do not shed tears,
All, like haze off apple-trees, must pass.
Turning gold, I'm fading, it appears,
I will not be young again, alas.
Having got to know the touch of coolness
I will not feel, as before, so good.
And the land of birch trees, - oh my goodness!-
Cannot make me wander barefoot.
Vagrant's spirit! You do not so often
Stir the fire of my lips these days.
Oh my freshness, that begins to soften!
Oh my lost emotions, vehement gaze!
Presently I do not feel a yearning,
Oh, my life! Have I been sleeping fast?
Well, it feels like early in the morning
On a rosy horse I've galloped past.
We are all to perish, hoping for some favour,
Copper leaves flow slowly down and sway...
May you be redeemed and blessed for ever,
You who came to bloom and pass away...
-Yesenin
"Good fortune will elevate even petty minds, and give them the appearance of a certain greatness and stateliness, as from their high place they look down upon the world; but the truly noble and resolved spirit raises itself, and becomes more conspicuous in times of disaster and ill fortune."
-Plutarch
PS:
Found this picture of fireworks. That was exacetly what I saw.
I figured out that it is hard to catch even a small piece of sky in Manhattan.
Because the rain comes and washes everything away.
I do not regret, and I do not shed tears,
All, like haze off apple-trees, must pass.
Turning gold, I'm fading, it appears,
I will not be young again, alas.
Having got to know the touch of coolness
I will not feel, as before, so good.
And the land of birch trees, - oh my goodness!-
Cannot make me wander barefoot.
Vagrant's spirit! You do not so often
Stir the fire of my lips these days.
Oh my freshness, that begins to soften!
Oh my lost emotions, vehement gaze!
Presently I do not feel a yearning,
Oh, my life! Have I been sleeping fast?
Well, it feels like early in the morning
On a rosy horse I've galloped past.
We are all to perish, hoping for some favour,
Copper leaves flow slowly down and sway...
May you be redeemed and blessed for ever,
You who came to bloom and pass away...
-Yesenin
"Good fortune will elevate even petty minds, and give them the appearance of a certain greatness and stateliness, as from their high place they look down upon the world; but the truly noble and resolved spirit raises itself, and becomes more conspicuous in times of disaster and ill fortune."
-Plutarch
PS:
Found this picture of fireworks. That was exacetly what I saw.
I figured out that it is hard to catch even a small piece of sky in Manhattan.
Thursday, July 10, 2008
Jesus
Imagine Jesus is dying...
He's been walking all his life, taking the beatings, listening to people's pain. He refused to dig the comfort, the wealth. He refused to lie and to pretend for survival.
And he was happy.
He was happy because he believed that there is something else, something bigger and better.
...and so he is dying and he is all alone.
But he still believes that there is something. Something bigger and better.
And as he being crusified, somebody walk up to him and proves that he was wrong. Proves cut and clear with no point of return. And walks away. And leaves him to hang high up on the cross, on the mountain, untill he actually dies.
Dies with his new secret.
I wonder what was he thinking about in those three days.
He's been walking all his life, taking the beatings, listening to people's pain. He refused to dig the comfort, the wealth. He refused to lie and to pretend for survival.
And he was happy.
He was happy because he believed that there is something else, something bigger and better.
...and so he is dying and he is all alone.
But he still believes that there is something. Something bigger and better.
And as he being crusified, somebody walk up to him and proves that he was wrong. Proves cut and clear with no point of return. And walks away. And leaves him to hang high up on the cross, on the mountain, untill he actually dies.
Dies with his new secret.
I wonder what was he thinking about in those three days.
Tuesday, July 8, 2008
Vinyl
I am your friend, and you... who are you to me?
Memories are like old records. Except that they don't burn.
Memories are like old records. Except that they don't burn.
Sunday, July 6, 2008
Requiem For a Dream
Imagine Peter Pan taking a step out of the window for a flight. He jumps. He splips. He falls.
:)
He is catching the edge and hanging to it for his life.
From there - he could possibly, crawl back into the room - close the window - and take a nap in a cozy chair. Get a cup of hot chocolate, cozy blanket and watch the fire. Imagine that.
Or he could unlock his hands and fly. Or fall. I don't know...maybe it depends on how heavy his dinner was? Like if he had some burger and fries, he'd definetly fall.
I personally think that Peter Pan would fly. No matter what he had for dinner. Because he is Peter Pan. What do you think?
I found two posters...
:)
Saturday, July 5, 2008
FireWorks
Last year I was at the airport knowing that I am missing the NYC July 4th fireworks. But I had to leave w/o seeing them, cuz I made a promise.
So what I did - I made another promise to myself. I gave myself a word that I will see them damn fireworks in a year.
Guess what? I missed it. I only saw the reflections of red in the foggy sky. But it was still pretty. And it was still worth it.
This saying has been on my mind lately: Sometimes you find your destiny when you run away from it.
WORD. another word I'm giving to myself right now. Another promise.
So what I did - I made another promise to myself. I gave myself a word that I will see them damn fireworks in a year.
Guess what? I missed it. I only saw the reflections of red in the foggy sky. But it was still pretty. And it was still worth it.
This saying has been on my mind lately: Sometimes you find your destiny when you run away from it.
WORD. another word I'm giving to myself right now. Another promise.
Wednesday, July 2, 2008
Peter
The world is beatiful if the sunshine lives in your heart. It's beatiful and big, and undiscovered.
coming up ))
I'm like Peter the Great, I like things simple & severe. and i loooooove pulling teeth :)
Tuesday, July 1, 2008
Swing Dancing
My teacher said that if you really screw up the script you become a DP or something like that.
I'm lying.
I just made it up.
:)
-Lady Lilly.
=]
