Ma

I am scared. I am really scared to think that you wouldn't last forever. I just ignore that thought in the root.
Because it makes me numb. Not the i-cant-feel kind of numb, like what they do with anastesia, but other kind:
- when screaming out in pain that torns your from inside seems like a blessing, a chance to take a breath between that numbness. when there is no sense of time - just enternity. you are paralized for enternity. disabled even to kill yourself to stop it. when every breath is a lifetime. and you are lost somewhere between the end of the moment and the begining of the next one.
I am scared of that kind of numb.

And I am sorry for every day that I spend away from you. And for all the times I haven't said how much I love you. And for every time I made you cry, I made you mad, I didn't help enough.
And I thank you for everything I am.

Mom, please, don't get older anymore...